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As the sedation wore off I immediately sensed a change. Before the procedure began I was just another patient. Nobody spoke to me. I really wasn’t there. I heard all about their lives. Mundane chit chat. But after the procedure all eyes were on me. Solemn eyes peering over masked mouths that had to be covering their frowning faces. One handed me a box of tissues. The doctor said, “I wish I had better news.”

That was Tuesday. That was the day I found out that my 37-year-old body was fighting cancer.

Immediately I had more tests. More appointments scheduled. Surgery coming as soon as possible.

Today is Saturday and I’m feeling rather wrung out. Despite the physical issues that continue to bug me, now I’m obviously feeling a little mentally stressed. I’ve got four kids and this is NOT in my plans.

I’m not ready to die. Before Tuesday it seemed so romantic and brave to say “what will be will be,” but when coming face-to-face with this adversary it all changed.

The sun shining on newly fallen leaves. My son’s smile as he gets to play a football position he has desired for years. The tears falling from my daughter’s beautiful eyes as she looks at me with this new fear. Piles of laundry. Mounds of dishes.

All the un-lived years of my kids. Graduations. Weddings. Grandkids.

All the growing old years with my love.

Do I have to miss it? I don’t want to. I selfishly want it all.

God help me if I have a different fate.

Categories: Life on the farm

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My name is Ginia Oehlschlager and I'm a small-town gal from Missouri. Join me as I document my crazy life on the farm with my husband and four kids. I'm always looking for frugal, simple ways to live the life God set before me. Where faith, family and fun come together on the farm.

1 reply

  1. Praying for you dear niece. And now that this is public I am going to add you to our Parish Prayer list. I loved you the minute you were announced, the minute your Mom had a tummy bump, the minute your Dad announced “We have a girl!” The minute I first saw you and all that hair. The minute I first got to hold you in my arms. I have loved you through all the years and tears and joys of life. I will love you forever and more. Aunt Julie.

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