Standing on this side of my cancer journey is different than I imagined. I’m so thankful to be here but the grass is definitely not as green. I suppose that’s true in everybody’s life.

My current paradox is hard to explain but it’s like living your dream come true concurrently with the lurking of your worst nightmare.

Certain moments in my world are SO important to me and bring me so much more joy than they would to the pre-cancer me. Watching British TV with Kadence. Cleaning and cooking with Bella. Watching Masen’s sports in person. Conquering science alongside Rylan. Checking cows with Matt. These moments are my dream come true. These are the exact reasons I chose to fight. To live. I GET to wash my family’s laundry. I GET to create a yummy, nourishing meal for them. I GET to argue and bicker and nag them. I GET to pray for them. I GET to love them in person.

But my reality — my lurking worst nightmare — also means that I drag an invisible bag of dread with me wherever I go. Will the cancer return? I pray the doctors are wrong about it being more of a “not if but when” situation.

Another side effect of this disease is that it opens you up to see and feel more acutely cancer everywhere. I truly feel that God uses these terrible pains in our lives to soften us up so we will help others. Life is busy and as humans we are naturally self-centered. But when you have felt a certain pain and you have walked a certain path and then you see somebody else walking that same path it’s impossible to not rush to them. They are standing at the edge of the forest and looking into this dark, scary place with no clear path. No matter your support system, every single person faces the cancer forest alone. Those of us already inside, that have felt that feeling, can walk alongside. We can pray. We can listen. Thank you, God, for the survivors you leave on earth. I pray that You will allow me to stay here so I can help others who are standing at the edge of that terrible forest.

Beneath it all, I rest in the fact that God is sovereign. He is good. And this journey that we all take on earth is unique and terrible and beautiful and fun and scary all at the same time. But it isn’t the end goal. I’m so thankful for that. I’m so thankful that my heavy bag of dread will be gone one day and that my new reality will truly be a better dream than anything I could imagine here on earth.

Categories: Life on the farm

Tagged as: cancer dreams God

Ginia

My name is Ginia Oehlschlager and I'm a small-town gal from Missouri. Join me as I document my crazy life on the farm with my husband and four kids. I'm always looking for frugal, simple ways to live the life God set before me. Where faith, family and fun come together on the farm.