This time last year I was recovering from a major surgery. This time last year I was surviving on adrenalin and shock. This time last year those sedatives remained in place for a long time because every time I turned around I got bad news. Numb was good. Numb helped. Numb ushered me along.

And then I blinked and it was all over. The shock and numb and adrenalin subsided and I began to live again.

This October, exactly one year from my original nightmare, the beast came back. But even though I was watching and waiting for him — expecting him, actually — my armor of shock was gone. It IS gone.

What does that mean?

That means at my son’s football game it’s hard to breathe while watching the older high school players walk out onto the field with their parents for senior night. Will I get to do that?

“Great is his faithfulness to you.” (A song lyric plays in my head.)

When a friend posts about her granddaughter on Facebook …. what will my grandchildren look like? Will I be able to hold them? Babysit them?

“Though the storms may come and the winds may blow
I’ll remain steadfast.”

Right now is a dark place for me. My personality is to visit those dark places, face them and then rise up. Unknown is not my specialty and that’s where I am right now. Waiting. The beast is there. We know he’s hiding somewhere in my house and we just have to find him or wait until he shows his face. Waiting.

“I put my faith in Jesus
My anchor to the ground
My hope and firm foundation
He’ll never let me down“

My formerly numb heart is broken. But, God.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes,
and there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain,
for the former things have passed away.
And the One seated on the throne said,
“Behold, I make all things new.”

Categories: Life on the farm

Tagged as: cancer God

Ginia

My name is Ginia Oehlschlager and I'm a small-town gal from Missouri. Join me as I document my crazy life on the farm with my husband and four kids. I'm always looking for frugal, simple ways to live the life God set before me. Where faith, family and fun come together on the farm.